Stress is a response our bodies have to anything that disrupts the status quo of how we have been functioning before. It can occur as a result of positive events (like the birth of one's child or getting together in a new, profound relationship) or negative. Some negative events that can cause stress include feeling threatened, whether from actual physical dangers (like being run over by a car or injured from a fight) or psychological threats (like someone treating you disrespectfully on an ongoing basis, or someone abusing you verbally). Often when we have emotionally-based stress, it’s because our sense of ourselves is threatened – we might feel unappreciated, unseen, unheard by people who are important to us. We may also experience stress because we feel helpless or overwhelmed to protect ourselves, and we react in ways that might work at first, but later become a problem. Here are some things that can cause negative stress:

• Relationship stress – We might have chosen a partner who is not available to us, incompatible with us, or who is verbally or otherwise abusive to us. We might feel distanced from them or lonely within the relationship, and yearn for intimacy without knowing how to achieve it. We might have had our hearts broken and whenever we try to reach out to a new person, we feel like we’re going to get hurt again, so we avoid what makes us fearful.

• <Work stress –  Whether you work for yourself or someone else, you’re always dealing with the public, and you’re always having to assert your boundaries in some way or other. If you didn’t learn how to do that in your family of origin, it can make it easy to feel hurt and/or angry with co-workers, bosses, and customers. This could be something as seemingly small as feeling unappreciated by your boss to something as serious as being harassed or abused verbally or sexually by someone with whom you work. Again, patterns of relating you learned from your family of origin can get played out in work settings, school, and  intimate relationships.

• Physical challenges – Being acutely or chronically sick or injured can affect how you relate to other people and how you feel about yourself. It can make you feel different, more emotionally vulnerable, alienated, or frustrated because you are not feeling well and are not up for having your boundaries tested. It’s important to take care of yourself without closing yourself off from the rest of the world.

•  Inner critic/wounds from the past – Sometimes when we mostly hear negative things about ourselves growing up, we come to internalize those messages and think the same way about ourselves. This can make it harder to brush off nasty comments from people in our current lives, and it can make taking care of ourselves and protecting ourselves harder too. If we don’t value ourselves and think well enough of ourselves to protect, then we get hurt again and again because we don’t recognize danger when we see it, and we don’t feel worthy of protecting.

•   Kids and Family Life – When we get married or partnered long-term and have children we may have certain expectations and hopes for our families that are not met. We may wonder, why isn’t my kid behaving well? Why is my teenager ignoring or shutting me out? Why is my husband or wife or partner pushing all my buttons? Why am I acting just like my mom or dad with my kids? How can I stop yelling? Why can’t I stand up for myself? All these situations can make us feel powerless and overwhelmed, and make it harder to see clearly what we need to do.

 There will always be stress but you can learn to identify what’s in your control and what’s not, and how to deal appropriately with each different situation. Part of what I do is help you learn techniques to reduce stress symptoms, but the more lasting and important work takes place when we learn what triggers your stress and why. When you feel better about yourself and your boundaries are clear, workable and healthy, stress doesn’t seem so overwhelming. That’s when we can send ourselves different messages, have different experiences, and start to act more effectively. I am happy to talk to you about getting rid of toxic stress and creating a more peaceful, enjoyable life. Please call 661-233-6771 today!